Hello. My name is Miriam and I am a professional liar.

My dear, faithful readers. Firstly, may I say how thrilled I am that in the past month my internet following has risen a whopping 400%. I didn't know I knew 4 such literary connoisseurs. Let it be known I am now technologically active and my posts shall flow forth like a stream of delicious, cheap Portuguese wine (which coincidentally there is an abundance of here). There is much to acquaint you with, so much in fact that I know not where to begin. But I shall start with an overview as to what my job here entails.

6 days a week I assume the persona of a sweet, working-class Italian girl. From the moment I step onto the dock I am no longer Miriam Waks, the slightly ebullient and certainly unbalanced Jewish pork-eater from Sydney, Australia. Thanks to a wardrobe of striped shirt, black pants, red sash, and straw hat, I am transformed. At all times I am in character with Italian English-speaking accent, transporting every possible variety of tourist through the winding canals, engaging them in conversation (in the case of non-esl Chinese tourists this conversation is limited to "Ni Hao!" and "Xie Xie") and on the return journey crooning Italian songs and English songs with an Italian flava. It can get slightly confusing singing any English song with an Italian accent (particularly when Beyonce was requested) but I'm adjusting. What I didn't expect was that I would be singing nearly as many Hindi songs on my gondola as Italian. Thanks to the large Indian tourist presence, at least 50% of my 'passengieri' require me to sing every Hindi song I know. Needless to say, after 2 weeks on the water those 2 ½ songs are starting to wear a bit thin.

It may sound like all fun and games but there are some major occupational hazards which come with the responsibility of being a Gondolier. I have taken the liberty of compiling a short list.

Occupational Hazards of being a Gondolier:

1. A immense sense of guilt that you are conning people into believing you are really from Italy.

2. Being mobbed on your way to the bathroom/in the bathroom camera-holding tourists who MUST have their picture with you.

3. Hand cramps from rowing.

4. Falling into the water when you are attempting your funkiest Bollywood move.

5. Losing your voice singing on the noisy canals.

6. Vocabulary depletion due to speaking in broken English all day.

7. Hat hair.

On top of my gondoliering duties I also perform 3 nights (10pm-2am) at a beautiful lounge called "The View". I don't know why it is called that, but it is on the top floor of a major hotel in Macau and has an amazing view which overlooks the many impressive casinos and hotels. On these nights I am lucky enough to play with an incredible jazz band (Piano, Double Bass, Drums, and on the weekends, Saxophone). The only shock has been to my system which prior to this job was barely accustomed to 9 hours work a week let alone 9-11 hours a day. But I am slowly adjusting.

I have moved into my apartment, 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom (I call it a bathroom because we actually have a bath. Outrageous!!!). I live with a most wonderful opera singer called Marga. In fact I should mention that practically everyone is extremely talented. Many very strong vocalists which, as a fellow gondolier commented, can be a shock to the ego that is generally accustomed to being cushioned with a false sense of security and superiority regarding one's own talent. But I have embraced the immense talent surrounding me and am excited at the prospect of learning and developing here.

*Holds up cup* "Here's to prospering and growing!". (Grow I most certainly shall - stay tuned for a segment on Macau cuisine)

Sofia says...

Bongiorno!!! I am Sofia Lorenzo Al-Fresco Minnelli!!!! I come from small village in Italy call Portofino. It is small village for fishing and is beautiful place to come for visit. Or to be eating fish... Ever since I am small child I dream of one day to be rowing a gondola. But problem is being I am not having a gondola. I go to Venezia when I turn 18, leaving my family who beg me, "No Sofia, please don't go to Venezia to row gondola, we beg you!"!! They say, "No person will give you gondola to row. Because you are being a woman". But I go anyway. My family is being right. No person will give me remo (oar). No person gives me opportunity. So I go back to Portofino and go to University. I disover "feminEEsum". Some people in course say femineesum is finito, it has done job. I stand up. I say "NO. Femineesum NO finish its job or else I be a gondolier!" I write to Germaine Greer to ask her for help with my problem but she no reply yet. Maybe her degrees no be prepare her for this difficult problem I have. But it is ok. I find a new hero now. Giorgia Boscolo is my hero now. Last year she become first woman gondolier. I say "Ok, she can do this thing. So will I". So I come Venezia in Macau, China, to row and sing to passengieri and then after I go to real Venezia and say "Bongiorno! I sing and row in Venezia already you no going to discriminatoria for me!"

Officially a working girl!

12/6/10

Today I took my first real passengers! I was nervous but they tipped me which was nice. A pity tip suits me just fine. I forgot to mention that we are all required to work under a pseudonynm of our Italian counterparts, accent and all. Sofia will write separately entries from myself but for the meantime she says hello ("HELLO! It is nice to be meeting of with you!!!!!")

I found an apartment to live in and will be moving on Tuesday. I like to think of it more as a spa bath that comes with an apartment. Welcome to Bubble Town. Population one. Me.

As the waves settle the callouses form..

11/6/10

Training Day Take Two saw Brian really amp things up. We not only focused on moving the gondola forward and backwards but we did donuts (rotations - and yes, that's what they actually call them) and back-steering. All I can say is, lucky we were in an open space. Attempt after attempt at trying and failing I was close to giving up. But Brian wouldn't let me. I searched within myself for any remaining vestiges of energy and motivation and as a result the rest of our training session was almost exactly like a Hollywood movie

I even had my first blister. A landmark day indeed.

Training Day: Take One

10/6/10

"Hello my name is Brian and will be teaching you to row"

"Hi Brian. Look, I have to be honest, the whole 'being physical' thing isn't really my bag"

Don't let their sleek finishes fool you. Gondolas are hard work. I spent the day trying to familiarise myself with the very complicated machinations of pushing an oar back and forth (and I mean that with not a trace of facetiousness). I discovered during the process of Training Day: Take One that I have approximately the same levels of co-ordination as George W. Bush

Welcome to the City of Dreams.

9/6/10 9:30pm

After receiving my first literal wake-up call I made my way bleary-eyed to appreciate my view from the 11th floor. I was greeted by a sky of rainclouds and general greyness while the nearest casino feebly flashed the words "City of Dreams". I had arrived.

The day consisted mainly of signing contracts and trying to vaguely familiarise with the architecture of the second largest building IN THE WORLD. I may need another day....

Arrival

9/6/10

1:01am

The ferry from Hong Kong is currently pulling into Macau. Judging by the glimpses I've had of the neon signs dominating the coastline I can only surmise that the world I am about to enter is most bizarre...


1:45am
The taxi-ride has provided welcome relief after the harrowing experience of transporting my heavy baggage from airport to train to taxi to ferry to ferry stop to taxi. There is a Cantonese song playing on the radio and it is raining outside.

2:00am
We have pulled up to the Venetian. My jaw has dropped. It actually just fell open at the sight of the place. Inside the lobby there is classical music going full blast and if you crane your neck upwards you can behold the legacy Michelangelo has left to this earth - to be forever emulated with cookie-cutter images of naked dudes on clouds.


3:00am
So tired. 8:30am start tomorrow. Am spread out on a King.
.....................
(sized-bed)

"She's got her ticket, I think she gonna use it." - Tracy Chapman

Yes, that's right Tracy! The time has come for me to leave my humble windowless studio for the mysterious adventures that await me in a casino of painted skies and winding canals. I leave in approximately 12 hours and so thought I should create a list of aims and rules for myself.

The Ten Commandments:

1. Thou shalt maketh friends-eth.
2. Thou shalt have adventures.
3. Thou shalt write one new song per fortnight.
4. Thou shalt learn one new song per fortnight. (Cannot be song that thou hast writteneth).
5. Thou shalt not get drunk. (Unless it happens over the course of a particularly intense game of Articulate).
6. Thou shalt join the circus. (Cirque Du Soleil of course).
7. Thou shalt find the best dumplings and portuguese tarts in Macau.
8. Thou shalt eat said dumplings and tarts.
9. Thou shalt NOT have a repeat of India contract. (This means not indulging in so much food that your evening gowns cease to fit or adopting the sleeping patterns of an owl).
10. Thou shalt uphold the dignity of the gondoleering profession at all times by maintaining the highest levels of rowing and crooning within thou's power.


So without further ado I shall bid thee - my faithful readers, (thank you both of you!) - a hearty farewell. I will most likely be as the Italian say "incommunicado" for some matter of days but look forward to regaling you shortly with tales of pirates, intrigues, seductions, and camera-happy tourists.